Why This Follow-Up Matters

If you have not read my post, What Jesus Really Meant By “Turn the Other Cheek,” I recommend taking a look at that here. In that post I address the misrepresentations of “Turn the other cheek,” to mean look the other way, which is certainly not what it means. It’s also not what Jesus said. The post goes on to explain what it really means and what it looks like practically. In the post, there are a few links to other sources I recommend checking out for more information.

Quick Note

As I was writing this post, I realized that I was combining a few different teachings without doing much explaining. I jumped directly from “Turn the other cheek” into forgiveness, and addressing someone close who has wronged you, as though they were all the same. So I wrote another quick post to hopefully explain a little more what I’m writing about. Please take a few minutes to check that out.

Applying the Teaching Beyond the Phrase

While the teaching behind the phrase, “Turn the other cheek,” addresses how we ought to behave when someone (an evil person) sets out to intentionally cause us harm, I think we can still use this wisdom and apply it to other teachings. So let’s apply appropriate wisdom while looking at confronting someone who has harmed you—not looking the other way.

When Confrontation is Ignored or Deflected

Let’s suppose that you understand what Jesus truly meant when he said, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Perhaps someone has wronged you, and you confront the person about it. Respectfully, honorably, you turned to them the other cheek. But instead of addressing or accepting how they have wronged you, they ignore the issue, or even turn it back on you.

The Misuse of Forgiveness Language

Unfortunately, many people who have been confronted by the wrong they have done often refuse to accept their wrongdoing (I think we all do this from time to time, and I am not guiltless in this). But even worse, I have seen and heard people misquote and misuse the Bible as a way of doing so. Most often, I’ve heard, “Well, you need to forgive…” Or, “The Bible says you need to forgive.” But what does that really mean?

What Does it Mean to Forgive?

The Bible Project has a great podcast episode in their Sermon on the Mount series about what forgiveness means and doesn’t mean. This episode dives into the teaching about what to do when someone has wronged you.

It seems to me that this idea of forgiveness often gets misconstrued to mean to forget any wrongdoing. Which is convenient for the person who has done the harm. But it isn’t so great for the person who has been harmed. I recently watched a great video explaining exactly what I’m getting at here.

Forgiveness as a Posture, Not Amnesia

But as they explain in the Bible Project podcast episode, forgiveness is a “heart posture.” And here’s the irony—telling someone they haven’t forgiven you is judging their heart, which is precisely what we are not supposed to do. We can judge a person’s actions without condemning their heart. Forgiveness will manifest itself on the outside, but simply addressing (or mentioning) the harm does not mean that the person hasn’t forgiven the other.

Forgiveness and Confrontation Can Coexist

If you’ve been the one who has been hurt, here is the good news: you can forgive someone and still confront that person for doing wrong. In fact, Jesus calls us to do just that. Not only by his comment to “Turn to them the other cheek also,” which addresses a person intentionally causing harm, but also someone close to us. He also address what we ought to do if the person refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing.

Please note that what I say here is not about addressing the “evil” person who’s goal is to tear you down. This is about confronting someone close to you.

If someone close to you has caused you harm, not only is it okay to confront that person about it, we are called to do so.

Jesus’ Model for Addressing Wrongdoing

In Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT), Jesus says, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”—Perhaps this last part might ruffle some feathers, but I feel the need to point out here that Jesus hung out with tax collectors and “sinners.” We still need to be respectful, and interact with people like this, treating them with the dignity of a human. But this isn’t the person I would choose to emotionally invest in—a person I would trust with the details of my personal life.

What Happens Next?

So let’s say someone close to you has caused harm. You went privately to point out this person’s offense, but this person chose not to listen and confess. And here is where my understanding differs slightly from the above mentioned podcast episode. In that podcast, Tim says that he believes the statement “to bring one or two others” directs us to bring impartial mediators. But as I’ve thought more about this, and looked into it, it seems that the idea of a “witness” is translated well according to our understanding of a witness.

I don’t think the Bible Project’s understanding provides any bad advice, and it very well may be true to the original concept. It’s good to have someone impartial to provide feedback. But with that said, it seems to me that this idea of bringing one or two others who will corroborate your statements gives the person the opportunity to realize that what they did was truly harmful.

Applying Ancient Wisdom in Modern Context

This next part—where we are called to bring it to the church—is where I have to admit that I struggle with how to apply it to our current culture. There are unlimited scenarios here, and unfortunately, we can’t address them all. Perhaps the person who harmed you isn’t a believer. Perhaps you, yourself, aren’t either. Maybe it’s as simple as the two of you don’t live in the same community. So how we apply this wisdom must change from scenario to scenario. But I think the point here is that if we truly wish to reconcile to the other person, we ought to use whatever means necessary to make that relationship right.

It might be that we bring our circumstances to our specific church. Or perhaps some church elders. Maybe we bring our issues to other, wiser people. I think it’s up to us to use this wisdom so that we might make these relationships right. But the point is to use the means we have without attacking the other. This doesn’t work out well for anybody.

Restoration, Not Avoidance

Life can be difficult, and so can relationships. It isn’t our place to tell someone whether they have or haven’t forgiven. But it is our place to analyze our own hearts to determine whether or not we have forgiven another.

Yet, forgiving others does not mean we have to sacrifice our own dignity. It’s up to us to maintain our dignity while also treating others with the dignity and respect that we wish to maintain for ourselves.